blessed are the forgetful…

the music turns on. i am mindful of each sad note, they cut into me like they always have. i jump. f a l l ing/ i feel the rhythm of each wave as it crashes on me – instantly my life flashes before my eyes as the salty, green death begins to trap me in it’s depths for eternity. my mind can only think of what i have always wanted to forget. the pain.

my biggest regret, …was letting you go. you were my best friend. you saved my life. and i never told you how much you meant to me. i couldn’t handle it anymore. selfish, yes. but there is no other escape. i couldn’t forget.

why God? i am not afraid, i needed to know. why have these things happened to me? why does anyone deserve a life like the one i have lived. i am not alone with these trials, but shouldn’t i be able to handle it? my heart has been filled with anger towards the ones you haven’t punished. i feel horrible for feeling this way. and i do not deserve to speak such anguish. but hear me, i have turned to You for my strength before, and i fear that therapy has left me stranded. i have forgotten, for this is not a blessing. i need Your guidance. i have changed … into a person who is more numb and stagnant than before. i am not any worth to You here any m o r e.

my legs are getting weak,
this is between me and God now.

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