scribble.

i couldn’t stand being alone in there. i try to silence the fear with my headphones, but i can’t stop seeing things. things that should only come out after dark. these hauntings have followed me for most of my life. i have seen the devil. i know his eyes. he is a man among us and he won’t leave me alone. he’s had his way with me and made his mark. this mark tells all of his servants that i am an offering for their obedience. i walk around and see them staring at me, i know what they are thinking, i can see their thoughts.

i can never sleep. i can feel his hand touching me, rubbing my nipples, grabbing my inner thigh, and groaning as if i were his wife. it’s crazy how such a thing is filmed in movies and actors can portray it, while the audience just sits and watches without even a slight capability of understanding or even believing that this is happening to someone that they love. or maybe in the exact movie theatre that they are in.

blessed are the forgetful…

the music turns on. i am mindful of each sad note, they cut into me like they always have. i jump. f a l l ing/ i feel the rhythm of each wave as it crashes on me – instantly my life flashes before my eyes as the salty, green death begins to trap me in it’s depths for eternity. my mind can only think of what i have always wanted to forget. the pain.

my biggest regret, …was letting you go. you were my best friend. you saved my life. and i never told you how much you meant to me. i couldn’t handle it anymore. selfish, yes. but there is no other escape. i couldn’t forget.

why God? i am not afraid, i needed to know. why have these things happened to me? why does anyone deserve a life like the one i have lived. i am not alone with these trials, but shouldn’t i be able to handle it? my heart has been filled with anger towards the ones you haven’t punished. i feel horrible for feeling this way. and i do not deserve to speak such anguish. but hear me, i have turned to You for my strength before, and i fear that therapy has left me stranded. i have forgotten, for this is not a blessing. i need Your guidance. i have changed … into a person who is more numb and stagnant than before. i am not any worth to You here any m o r e.

my legs are getting weak,
this is between me and God now.

love.

i just have to accept the fact that i fell in love with a genius, which means always losing at Scrabble.
but the experiences are always so enjoyable.

forever and ever, babe.

?uestionable.

i’m really confused right now.

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decided to say goodbye for now.

i am making a goal for myself to stay away from this computer. i think i am killing it slowly each day, while me, myself, and i are forgetting about living. instead of reading about other people i want to start writing more chapters and reading my own dialogue. the only updates or photographs i will be doing is either on twitter or here. i know you have my phone number. so if you want to talk, you can dial it. so…

au revoir.
love.

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keep it …classical.

i’ll be back with hopefully a good story.

i need a shower and some coffee.

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